They say sharks must remain in constant motion in order to stay alive. Lately, my life has looked a lot like that of a shark- for not only must I remain moving, I'm afraid to stop.
I've written before about my need to plan things, and a lot of various changes and considerations as of late have left my full-proof plans foiled, and aspects of my future in questionable haziness which I cannot penetrate. My workload this summer has been heavy, demanding, and though every day I wake up dreading the endless shifts ahead, even on my rare days off, I find I can't stop moving.
In her song "Lament", Audrey Assad asks "Why is it easy to work and hard to rest sometimes?" The answer, at least in my case, is very simple: because when I'm moving I don't have to face the silence. When I'm moving I can pretend my life is under control. When I'm moving, I can make myself believe I'm out of God's reach, and maybe I can actually make some plans that work, that won't be ruined or changed. When I'm running away, I can convince myself I'm ahead, but it's when I stop that the silence comes crashing down, and with Linkin Park I cry "I don't want to be the one the battles always choose, 'cause inside I realize that I'm the one confused".
I didn't realize how long I had been running until something made me pause and the silence scared me, because suddenly I'm lost, strayed further than I intended. And I need to get back, but I can't. The way back is so hard, and full of those quiet moments of surrender where you let go of everything, and your soul dangles suspended in the space between "my will" and "Thy will". Those moments that require complete trust as you hold your breath and wait to see where God directs you. Those times when I cannot control anything, those times of complete death to self. They pave the way back, the way that I must stand still long enough to find.
But I'm a shark in the waters now, and not only am I too afraid to stop... I can't.
Truly, truly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit...